The feeling of having to restrain myself, to censor my words and thoughts, to behave in a way that is controlled and acceptable – is one that creates a RAAAAAAH inside me.
I feel myself rail against these expectations and want to kick and punch until I am free from the coffin I perceive they put me in.
But fighting is not really in my nature – I am more of a run away-er.
My habit has been to turn in the opposite direction and RUN when I feel a situation bring up these feelings.
There is good and bad that has come out of being a run away-er.
The Good –
All the new adventures I have had,
The new places I have been to,
An amazing adaptability to change,
A veritable wealth of people I have met,
The ability to pivot and change when things aren’t working.
The Bad –
Having no roots,
Being detached from emotion and intimacy
Feeling I don’t belong anywhere
Not standing firm in my beliefs in the face of opposition
Not creating the change I know I am able for
But you know what else it has given me that is worth more than any judgement, critical acclaim, awards, assets or marriage certificate? …
It has given me the ability and the knowing of what feels right for me, and the creativity to adapt anything to my circumstances, personality, and desired outcomes.
Which means I know that I can make my life and my world the way I want it to be.
Am I perfect at this? NO
Am I able to make/ manipulate people and circumstances to look exactly as I expect them to? NO
Am I able to know what is right for me and how to make it feel right for me? YES
And that confidence, clarity and knowing is worth more to me than anything.
Because that is what stays with me when everything else around me
People
Circumstances
Plans
are changing and being affected by things beyond my control.
And that is how I come to be annoyed and dissatisfied with any and all movements and methods that claim to have the answers –IF YOU JUST FOLLOW THEIR METHOD (and usually pay them a lot of money for the privilege of being told you don’t know anything and need saving from yourself.)
The bullshit of the name it claim it manifestors crew is starting to wind me up in much the same way that the weight loss and fitness industry really got on my wick. BUT this time I will NOT let myself remain in that click of people, trying to fit in and get it right and be better at it.
I can feel the same feelings surfacing -
Failure
Not good enough
I have the problem, the blockage, the resistance, the lack
I am pathetic
Not worthy
Etc etc etc
So the solution seems to be (if I listen to the sales pitches) try harder, buy more things to help me out of the pit of disgustingness that I am in, kick my own arse into action, trust that someone else has the answers for me, search search search for the solutions out there, be more disciplined, be more perfect, be more organized, be more anything but what I am.
These programs, products that say you have to do it a certain way set themselves apart like an elite society of accomplishment.
If you did the method and got success then you are worthy
Worthy to have the results and success
Worthy to belong to their crew
Worthy to be seen and loved
If you did not get THE RESULTS or accomplish what was promised then you are not worthy and must be a bit of a failure
WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT
You are alive
You are loveable
You are able to love
Then you are frikkin doing it right.
Yes yes yes
There are methods to help you through sticky patches and blocks. They are not your salvation, they are aids to progress to be used, tried, applied and experienced –
But for gods sake if they are not working for you – STOP.
Stop beating yourself up and telling yourself you are worthless just because their method doesn’t work for you.
Even if you have tried, what seems like, hundred of methods, and still not feeling like you have had a breakthrough or result – it does not mean you are a failure.
You are valuable – Just as you are
Without the results
Without the perfect body
Without the abundant wealth
Without the 6 figure business
Without the gorgeous soulmate at your side
You are so fucking worthy – just as you are.
To be loved and to give love.
And to create
And to give
And to receive
And to enjoy your life
And to speak your truth
And to live your life your way
Yes by all means learn the methods
Listen to the advice
Try out the products
But if they are not working for you – for any fucking reason (blaming excuse you are using)
- you didn’t finish it and see it through to the end
- you didn’t have the right funnel in place
- you didn’t do enough cardio
- you didn’t do enough journaling
- you didn’t chant the right words at the right time in the right way while tap dancing to a Metallica song
WHATEVER it was that you believe the reason to be for you failure – IT’S NOT TRUE.
The reality you are experiencing is:
It didn’t work
You don’t have what you want
You are struggling
You are dissatisfied
WHY?
… Because you stopped listening to yourself
You switched off the knowing.
For whatever reason – and you probably have a few, such as:
People
Circumstances
Stories
You can try and blame all of these for you not listening to YOUR knowing, but ultimately
YOU SWITCHED IT OFF
And only you can switch it back on again.
Start today by choosing to. Even if you don’t know what that looks like, what exactly is involved in doing so, or what path it might lead you on.
If this has resonated with you in any way shape or form, then that knowing is stirring within you, waiting for you to acknowledge it and now is your time to step into it.
It is like coming home – without having gone anywhere at all, but just knowing you are finally home.