Yesterday Ruth pushed me to do something that triggered a very insecure, fearful, want to run away and avoid avoid avoid feeling inside me.
I had written a pretty damn good piece on getting in touch with inner creativity and what truly lies inside ourselves. AND THEN Ruth said I had to read it with feeling and the emotion with which it was written - out loud!!!!!
I just couldn't bring myself to show that part of me - out loud. It’s pretty difficult to do. It’s like when I say it in my head it sounds great, with all the confidence all the passion and all the love it was created with and then I open my mouth...and I either can’t speak or it’s just dull and lifeless, completely lacking the heart felt emotion that’s truly there.
I know I am not the only one in the world that feels this way, that is why most people will state fear of public speaking as their top fear ever!
It made me feel very uncomfortable, vulnerable and fearful to have to say out loud what I had written and show the emotion in my face and through my voice with which I had written it.
In Ruth's truly annoying and comfort zone stretching way, she read the piece and then said I should feel what I was feeling (see above) and expand on some of the points therein to create a MORE heart felt connection with the writing.
FFS - the one time I just want her to say, 'Just publish it Amy, it's fine how it is.' - She says, 'go away and write more so you can feel more!!!!' AAAARGH.
So I did! I didn’t run. I sat with it, felt it and wrote it.
And here is what came out...
What if people can see that I truly mean it, what if they too can feel my heart and see my soul.
It’s too scary to put it out there, so I’ll just hold it in.
I can’t bare my soul anymore.
I can’t put it out to the world unprotected.
Like revealing my latest artwork, my labour of love, to be seen by those I created it for.
Too scared that they’ll not like it.
Too scared that they’ll see what it really means to me.
Too scared that my soul is laid bare in the creativity I almost wasn’t brave enough to share.
There’s too much pain, too much hurt from the past to really show up and put my heart on the line again.
Leaving myself out in the storm,
vulnerable,
like a small petal trying desperately to bloom but each time it does, it gets swept away, a little more damaged, a little further away from it’s true home.
Broken, battered and withered.
But the dream hasn’t died.
The dream still lies inside.
Undamaged.
In fact, almost with a little more fire, stronger, more alive than ever.
But also more protected.
Like a layer of armour around the soul, the walls of the castle now stand taller and stronger around the heart to protect and prevent anyone from getting in.
But sadly, not much gets out either.
While the dream grows stronger, the layers of protection hold tight.
Leaving nothing but a fight.
A struggle.
A numbness.
A dream so desperate to come to life.
A heart so scared of more hurt.
A voice unable to speak.
Too scared to do anything.
Too often I freeze.
Staying stuck in a fight between the head and the heart. Between what I settle for as safe, and what I really, truly dream of having.
These experiences of failure and heart felt disappointment, just adding more fuel to the fire of not believing I am good enough, not capable enough, not worthy enough to show the world who I really am.
Time to put that fire out,
and light a new one.
With sparks of hope, excitement and childlike innocence - made safe with aged wisdom.
To light that fire with the confidence in knowing that I can bring the dream I've long held so tightly, tucked away so safely, to life.
I can bring all of me to that dream, because I am that dream and by nurturing every part of me, by knowing what makes me come alive, and by feeling new connections, I can make anything happen.
That is why Ruth and I have created the Playcation Roadshow.
To create an event where anyone feeling this way too, can know that they are seen, understood and feel the excitement of bringing those dreams to life.
BY acknowledging the deep parts of yourself you have hidden.
By feeling the connection to your biggest dream again.
By discovering all the possibilities for bringing that gorgeousness inside you to life, and being un-apologetically you.
By experiencing the energy of playfulness that takes away any fear of consequences or limiting beliefs.
Our BIG dream is to get more people than ever to feel the freedom, energy and connection of bringing their own personal playfulness, joy and creativity to every part of their life.
And we guarantee that everyone that secures a ticket for a roadshow event - (there are only 20 available in each area) - will leave the event feeling this way!
Join us for a day to take you out of the fearful logic in your head, and into a curious world of possibility where your heart leads the way.
Where you find your way back to that dream, and leave with the feelings embedded that allow you to make it happen.
Come find us on our Roadshow Tour of the UK this autumn.
Hit this link to get yourself on our early adopters list and be the first to get your hands on tickets when they are released.
