Fuck the filters

Why have I been living my life hiding behind a filter...

I mean wtf?!

I was in the kitchen yesterday and just burst into song to which Ruth turned around to me and said (in a surprised voice) “that was actually in tune!”

I know right...

And then I realised that actually yeah, I can sing in tune, when I don’t give a shit.

When I just let it out.

When I don’t dull it down for fear of being judged, or it not being perfect.

When I don’t even try.

Then I realised this applied to so many areas of my life.

At school, I was always the one was really good at sports, so I kind of stuck to that like glue.

I only realise now that I actually wanted to sing and to dance and to enjoy drama but I hated all three of those things.

Why?

Because I filtered myself with all of them.

Why?

Because I believed I didn’t fit the bill to be those things.

I didn’t look or move like ‘the perfect’ ballet dancer.

I wasn’t cool enough to do hip hop.

So I never allowed myself to try.

I also grew up with older brothers so I guess I would filter out what I perceived I could and couldn’t do quite quickly, so as to not be ashamed when I didn’t achieve. So that I didn’t have to prove to them or to myself that I could do it, I just decided already that I couldn’t.

But damn I wanted to.

I wanted to be able to move my body as freely as those girls and guys I watched dance.

I wanted to be able to burst into song and hold a tune.

But I never allowed myself to let go.

I never allowed myself to try.

There were so many things I wanted to do but I perceived that I had to do it in a particular way.

I never allowed myself to just do it my way so I never began.

I was very good at doing things other people’s way.

In fact I’ve always been very good at fitting in.

Filtering my true self a little to be able to slip casually into any situation and be accepted to feel part of the gang.

To perform how I’m expected to perform in certain roles.

I was great at stepping into different roles and performing them.

I’d show up on the outside just as I needed to, and everyone liked and respected me, yet behind the scenes I let out my inner rebel. Sadly though I’d often just be rebelling at myself!

What have I learnt from all this?

That living life with all these filters on all the time is soooo dull.

It really dampens my sparkle.

Yes it allows me to perform to roles, to be accepted, to fit in.

But now I just want to be me.

Show up as me, truly, fully and without these filters that I’ve spent years mastering!

I want freedom from the shoulds and even from my own expectations!

So I’m deconstructing all that I’ve been taught and have taught myself about how to behave in life. About how to show up in every situation and I’m allowing my true self to appear.

Because you know what, my true self, is also pretty damn cool.

My true self still knows how to judge a situation, respect others and keep myself safe.

BUT most importantly, my true self knows how to fully live MY life.

My true self holds all the magic of my heart and the world needs to see that now.

Not the filtered version that gets everything right.

Not the filtered version that always says the right things and always behaves perfectly.

Not the filtered version who plays by all the rules to keep everyone else happy.

Not the filtered version who holds back just enough to be deemed acceptable.

FUCK IT.

That version of me is dull.

That version of me keeps the real sparkle hidden.

And when I bring my sparkle to the world, my happiness does this infectious little thing and spreads that joy to others.

When I let go, others feels safe to let go too.

This is what the word needs.

This is what I need.

And no, it’s not about not giving a fuck.

But it’s about showing up unashamedly as me and knowing that my true self knows exactly how to change, adapt and bend the rules to play any game my way!

Find your way to do whatever it is you want to do...strip back the filter...and just go and have fun doing it!

Because you know what, when you do, the real magic starts to happen!

The spark, the fun, the joy, the excitement that comes from playing life your way is priceless.

#lifeisyourplaygroun

#playityourway